On Diffusing a Petty Argument - the Holidays Can Be a Little Tense
The holidays can be a time of relaxation, but sometimes, if you have a busy few days lined up (or too many quiet hours to yourselves at home), it can lead to one or more charged conversations with your special someone. How do you get your boyfriend/husband/lover to see your point of view during a petty disagreement?
Our petty arguments usually go something like this:
Person A spots a Starbucks cup.
A: Oh you got a tea or coffee and you didn't get me one? [Heavy accusatory tone.]
B: Did you ask when I got it? I got it while waiting for blah blah this morning, so if I had gotten you one it would be cold now. So you made an assumption. If I did this, you would make a fuss...
It sounds like such a small thing, but when you're involved, when it's the tenth petty argument in the last two hours, when you're thinking 'I've actually just bought them that thing they really need and this is how they repay me', when you had expectations that this weekend/occasion was going to be magical, etc...
It's not such a small thing.
So, here's what I reach for during these squabbles:
A: Oh you got a tea or coffee and you didn't get me one? [Heavy accusatory tone.]
B: Did you ask when I got it? I got it while waiting for blah blah this morning, so if I had gotten you one it would be cold now. So you made an assumption. If I did this, you would make a fuss...
It sounds like such a small thing, but when you're involved, when it's the tenth petty argument in the last two hours, when you're thinking 'I've actually just bought them that thing they really need and this is how they repay me', when you had expectations that this weekend/occasion was going to be magical, etc...
It's not such a small thing.
So, here's what I reach for during these squabbles:
- I am finding that for any reconciliation process to work, both parties have to take it seriously and want to get the issue resolved. Otherwise one person will be left frustrated and angrier that they were initially. If your partner still needs some time to 'cool down', they may retreach or you may just sense they need it - give them time. That should be a few hours though, and hopefully not days, because leaving it so long, in my experience, just makes the whole drama drag out and last longer.
- You really can't think about and bring up, at that particular moment, everything bad that your partner has done. It will make you more annoyed and you won't be able to reach a resolution because at that point, you will just want blood.
- The reconciliation-killer words cannot be used: 'you always', 'you never', 'why can't you','you can't', 'divorce/break up/break', 'I've had enough'. Any words or phrases that you know will act as a trigger and make your partner reach boiling point is banned. Easier said than done, but I usually try talking slowly and picking my words carefully, that way even when I naturally think of the trigger words, I can pause and take the time to choose a less 'loaded' one.
- I read this somewhere and it literarily changed my life: believe that your partner's intentions are good. Give them the benefit of doubt. It can prevent arguments and stem the hurt from their wrong doings. It's also known as trying to see things from their perspective, but goes one step further by adding the positivity element.
- Find the truth of the situation. Sometimes if you take a step back, you can piece together what the real issue is. That could be what your partner appears to be reacting to or feeling about you at that point. If you can spot that, it should help you be more sensitive to their side of the story, or change how you approach seeking a resolution.
- One of the tips the Priest who married MisterB and I gave us was about being charitable to each other. He is an older clergy man, but very relatable. Typically I think of 'charity' as the giving to those in need, so when he shared about being charitable to each other, I initially thought, 'thats an unusual one'. Well, over time, I am starting to understand why. It's this definition of charity he was talking about - kindness and charity in judging others per the oxford dictionary. It is about trying really hard to be kind about MisterB's imperfections. I want him to do the same about my imperfections too. To look at failings and try to see the good, is no easy feat, and I do not succeed all the time. But this is one of the best pieces of advice I've been given about marriage.
- I jokily remind MisterB that we have sixty plus more years of marriage to go and we're going to keep annoying each other, so we both better start getting used to the little annoyances. I'm not sure if this grates on his nerves even more.
- I read on cup of jo, about stopping mid argument to hold each other and say I love you. This has only worked for us, maybe twice, but I like the premise. It's about reminding each other, quite lovingly, that even through the bickering, and grievances you're still my person. We have, a few times, smiled at each other halfway through an argument. I sometimes think MisterB is shaking his head and smiling, all the while thinking 'this woman' lol. But, in any case, the smile really lightens the mood.
What do you do to keep your cool during petty arguments? Did anyone give you advice about relationships that you thought was gold? What was it?
Happy first weekend of 2015.
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On Diffusing a Petty Argument - the Holidays Can Be a Little Tense
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