Visiting a New Mum - Do you Follow These Guidelines?

Visiting a New Mum - Do you Follow These Guidelines?

I first saw these rules for visiting a new mum at Before the Baby blog, before I had my Coco. She advises these six rules or guidelines, and for each explains why it's important (click the blog link to see her post):

1. Wait to be invited
2. Leave after an hour
3. Ask about what you can bring from the shops
4. Never accept food, bring food
5. Do some cleaning, if appropriate
6. Do not ask to hold baby

While I don't think every item on the list applies to my experience of receiving guests, I agree with the principle behind each point. I would easily advocate for points 1, 3, and 4.

The list also reminds me of how different cultures treat women after birth. In Nigeria, a new baby is considered a great blessing and milestone for a family, and people want to celebrate with you and expect that you are keen to have them round to celebrate with you, too. After you are home from the hospital, you are likely to get quite a number of visits from Aunties (friends of your parents), friends of yours and their families, your husbands friends and maybe even work colleagues. Guests come and will be fed (it would be considered rude not to) and will have drinks (possibly also alcoholic) and may go on to stay a few hours to keep you company. Typically, they would also want to hold baby - this is the 'piece de resistance' to the whole visit. Holding the baby, naturally leads to praying for the baby too. The entire visit could easily last a whole day with some coming in as others are going out, another round of food and drinks needing to be served and so on.

To be fair, there is a lot of support during this period for the new Mum. Your mother and maybe mother-in-law too are staying with you. You probably have domestic staff - a cook and nanny, which is a lot more affordable than it is in the UK. They would be in charge of cooking, serving and clearing up after guests. Mum would be helping with looking after the baby, so you are relieved of some responsibilities in that time. Perhaps, that makes the visitor etiquette OK, and maybe even fun. Another thing, is Nigerians are a lot more direct and confident about speaking their minds, in a way that British politeness may not allow. I imagine, if a new Nigerian Mum got tired of socialising  during a round of visits, she would have no problem making her excuses and going in to rest, and the party would continue without her, sympathetic to her feelings.

After I had my baby, I was keen to recoup, recover and primarily spend my energy doting on her. Being sociable was the last thing on my mind. Getting showered, dressed and then smiling and being friendly to a whole day of guests and again in subsequent days, would have been torture for me, I am an introvert. In the very early days, when we did have visitors, it was mainly close friends and extended family. I was up and about, I enjoyed the company and conversations - a welcome change from thinking and talking about the new baby, but, when I lay down to sleep at night, the tiredness would hit hard. But it was just for that day, I knew the next couple of days would be quiet and back to the usual routine, so it was no burden.

When I look back at my experience and think about what guidelines, I would offer, two come to mind:

1. Be considerate of the new mum's feelings and adjust your behaviour to her cues.

-If you don't know her well, then you could play it safe, stay a short while, offer to help etc.
-If you are good friends, read her cues with regards to the six rules above. Ask open-ended questions and gauge her responses to figure out if or rather, how you can help. Look in her fridge, is it empty and can you nip to the shops quickly? Does she want to run out to do any admin tasks while you wait with baby?  Does she look exhausted and can you hold the baby for an hour while she naps?

2. Presents for baby are lovely, don't stop those, but remember mum too!

-If you know her favourite things, this is the time to buy one or two of them.
-If you don't know her well, even a pack of chocolates or a beauty/pamper product - they don't have to be expensive, the simplest things can make such great reminders of her old self that still lives within. I can never forget waking up after a night of breastfeeding and looking after a new born and popping a green & blacks chocolate square into my mouth - I got a pack from a visiting friend. I felt like such a rockstar.

Being on the other side, has really made me want to be more considerate when visiting new mums. The next time I visit one, I will need to remember all these guidelines and more importantly - practice them.

What do you think of the rules/guidelines above? Is how you feel affected by the culture of where you live? What rules would you make for visitors to your home in the first few days after you have a baby?

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Visiting a New Mum - Do you Follow These Guidelines?