Caring For My Strong-willed Child

Caring For My Strong-willed Child

Determination is firmness of purpose, and my daughter has shown this trait, even as an infant. I like it because I usually (read: usually), have a clear idea of what she is after or likes or dislikes. It can also be tough, because it's not always convenient to give her what she has requested at that particular time, and also sometimes what she wants is not good for her - it is tricky helping her to understand this, since she is still so young.

I also know, that what I call passion, determination, leadership and a strength - in her (this strong willed trait), others are going to call stubborn, unruly, troublesome and 'forward'. Especially in Nigeria, where I grew up. There it was made very clear that children are expected to sit down quietly while the adults are talking and generally act docile until they are 'of age' - which would be about 21 years old. Not everyone would have grown up like that, but even if your family and household was accepting and encouraging of your strong willed trait, outsiders - teachers at school, your friends parents, your parents friends - aunties in particular,  would likely have taken it upon themselves to let you know that they did not find your temperament to be a positive trait in a child.

Which brings me back to the present day. I have mentioned here about Coco being friendly. Since she was about 4 months old or maybe younger, she would reach out to touch other babies and hold their hands. I scratched my head and wondered where she learnt that from the first time I saw it, she doesn't watch children's tv or go to nursery. I joked to mums who were present the first time it happened, that I did not know where she got the trait from - I am a deep introvert, keen to re-group in my own company after a few days of hanging out in groups of people. I made the same joke to my mum about Coco's friendliness not being from me, over a call one night recently, what she said next made me think.

She carefully reminded me that I used to be loud and spirited, as a child and I think she actually used the words 'you had no filter'. It's so true. I knew this, even before she said it. That I used to have a bolder, more fearless and confident persona. That doubt, anxiety about acceptance, and fears about what people thought of me creeped in in my pre-teen years and became worse in my teens and twenties. I believe my experiences at two all girls secondary schools did not help. But even going back to my wild and care free young years, I remember being referred to as having a mouth like diarrhoea and generally not been taken seriously, which I craved deeply. Those memories stick in my head till this day. This is going to sound a tad bit dramatic, but I really believe that over the years these difficult experiences 'killed my spirit'. It's hard to say what part of that undoing was other peoples influence or my reaction to life experiences (that I let myself be tempered), but what I do know is that it has made me determined to make sure that my daughter is aware of her self worth, carries herself with confidence and and holds on to her true worth, regardless of what other people tell her or her life experiences

I am just going to highlight that bit again, below:

 it has made me determined to make sure that my daughter is aware of her self worth, carries herself with confidence, and holds on to her true worth, regardless of what other people tell her or her life experiences.

Do not get me wrong, I believe in discipline. I am truly embarrassed when I see a daughter or son, regardless of their age, tell their mother or father to shut up. In fact, with all I know now about those early days with a new baby, when parents have to rough it out with sleepless nights and what I hear about the  careful modelling and decision making to come for the toddler, tween and teen years - I just cannot believe I ever had so much as a rude thought, let alone let one slip out (albeit mumbled under my breath) about my parents. What I am saying is, there will be discipline in our household, but above all, the actions we take as her parents will be from a place of love. I love this quote from the bible for remembering what that means and the standard to try to attain in loving my partner and now also my child (and really, everyone).

1 Corinthians 13:4-8New International Version (NIV) 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. 

Nowhere there does it mention love is tough, I despise the phrase 'tough love' with a passion. 

Bringing the topic back to now and Coco again, how exactly is this parenting of my strong spirited child going to look. What will be put in place, what will go out the door, what will the practical day by day steps look like? I really cannot answer that. It is very early to predict how her temperament will play out. Maybe she will channel it all into a creative skill or art and what is left of her behaviour outside of honing her skills will be cool and calm. Maybe she will show a passion for the performing arts and start singing and trying to get everyones attention wherever we go - oh dear, that will be something, but we will have the same big love for her. Maybe she will naturally mellow out and just be a level headed through out, hardworking student interested in some scholarly field. Who knows on this earth? But I am ready. I am fit for her  - as my driving instructor used to say about me, in his strong doric accent put on for emphasis, as he became convinced I was trying to drive him off the roads into a ditch! Yes, I am keeping an eye on this temperament of hers and ready for whatever that will bring over the next few years, challenging or not on our parenting.

I went a searching on google and found this beautifully apt prayer at wearethatfamily blog. (tweaked a little):

God, You gave me a strong girl.  She is a gift. You and I both know, this is a hard calling. Please help me not to crush her determined spirit with all my rules and regulations.You created her to color outside the lines, give me the courage to let her. Channel her determination into purpose. Turn what may be viewed as stubbornness into pliable willingness to say yes to you. Teach her to yield her steadfast spirit and help me to let go of what doesn’t matter. I need help mothering - show me how to look past the seemingly put on attitude and see a pure heart, lead me to look for the good and appreciate the crazy. Instead of controlling them, teach me to empower them. And instead of drawing a line in the sand and demanding my way, remind me that this girl is a whole lot like me.

I love this line she uses, so I have borrowed it as my closing sentence:

May her fierceness rock the world!

Are you raising a strong willed child or were you one yourself? I would love to hear about your experience - don't be shy, please share.

Happy Tuesday 

x

Caring For My Strong-willed Child